Socks
by Vietta
Summary: Reno is running around stealing everyone's socks and Tseng wants to know why. Involves caterpillars, evil threats, and sock theft.


Elena growled, "Dammit Reno shut up about your goddamned socks!" Tseng started as he heard Elena yelling, Elena was usually so mild-mannered. Elena yelling was definitely signal that trouble was brewing.

Tseng sighed and stepped cautiously out of his office as he heard more yells and malicious laughter. He quickly pressed himself against a wall as Reno tore past him, a pair of socks waving like a flag above his head. Elena was far behind him, panting as she cursed and swore. Tseng held out an arm and caught her as she bolted past. "What's going on?"

Elena took a deep breath, "Sir he just stole my socks!"

Tseng blinked, "Stole your socks?" He looked at her feet, "How did he get them off while your shoes were on?"

Elena looked down, confused, "I don't know sir."

Tseng chuckled and patted her gently on the shoulder, "Since you've still got shoes on you can go back to your office alright? I'll talk to him."

Elena sighed angrily and stalked back to her office, "He's going to find some not so very nice things in his coffee tomorrow."

Tseng made a mental note not to drink any coffee for awhile as he followed Reno's screams and giggles down the hall. He rounded a corner and quickly pressed himself against a wall as Reno ran past him, two pairs of socks clenched in his fist as he screamed with unrivaled glee. Tseng raised an eyebrow as Rude stepped out of his office wearing a similar expression, "How did he get my socks off?"

Tseng chuckled, "Any idea what he's doing with them?"

Rude shook his head, "No clue. He better not destroy them though, I like those socks."

"I'll make sure he replaces anything he destroys today." Tseng turned and followed Reno's mad cackles of glee farther down the hall. He turned a corner to find Reno holed up in his office, his desk flipped onto its side. Tseng raised an eyebrow and entered the room cautiously, alert for any sneak attacks that might wrest his socks from his feet, "Reno?"

Reno's head popped up from behind the overturned desk, "Hiya Tseng!" Reno hopped to his feet and dropped the socks he was holding in his hand, "Whatcha up to?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing." Tseng was warily eying Reno's hands as he wriggled his toes to make sure his socks were still on his feet.

"I'm collecting socks for my puppet show!" Reno beamed proudly and gestured to the large multicolored stack of socks that was sitting behind his desk along with a vast array of markers, yarn, and glue.

"Puppet show?" Tseng raised an eyebrow as he examined the large sock pile, "How did you get the socks off their feet without removing their shoes?"

Reno shrugged, "Yuffie taught me."

Tseng made another note on his mental memo pad; keep Reno away from kleptomaniac ninjas. "How long have you been doing this?"

Reno chewed his lip as he thought, "A couple hours maybe? None of the secretaries three floors up or down from us have any socks. Most of the socks were full of holes or really tiny though. Did you know Reeve has some ridiculously soft socks? It should be a crime to have socks that soft."

Tseng sighed, "You have to return all these socks Reno."

Reno shrugged and was suddenly holding a suspiciously familiar pair of socks in his hand, "Once they hit the pile I've got no clue which sock belongs to which person and I don't think anyone wants to trade foot cooties. Besides, I'm doing some of these people a favor. Do you know how ugly some of these socks are?"

Tseng examined the socks in Reno's hand closely and then looked down at his feet, flabbergasted. Reno hadn't even moved yet he held his socks in one hand, "How the hell did you do that?"

"Not telling." Reno tapped his nose with his finger, "Wanna help with my puppet show?"

Tseng sighed, "Don't you have work to do?"

"Course I do. I have an entire sock production to cast, direct, rehearse, and narrate." Reno sniggered and tossed Tseng's socks onto his pile.

Tseng rolled his eyes and walked forward to retrieve his socks. Suddenly Reno let out a high pitched scream and tackled him to the ground. Tseng sat up with a snarl as Reno quickly grabbed one of his shoes and started fiddling with the bottom of it, "What the hell Reno?"

Reno screamed again, "YOU KILLED HIM!"

"Killed who?" Tseng raised an eyebrow as Reno scraped some strange gunk off the bottom of his shoe.

"Reno Junior! You killed little RJ!" Reno held the goo he had pried off the bottom of Tseng's shoe in his hand and gently began prodding at it.

"RJ?" Tseng sat dumbfounded as Reno continued poking the blob of goo, "Who the hell is RJ?"

"My caterpillar!" Reno sniffed and looked at the goo in his hand as if he was heartbroken, "I did all this for him! I was gonna have him watch the puppet show! RJ loved plays!"

Tseng sighed and stood up, "What drugs are you on Reno?"

Reno gave an indignant huff, "I am NOT on drugs!"

"Then why the hell are you crying over a caterpillar?" Tseng threw the flattened and very gooey caterpillar remains in Reno's hand a disgusted stare as he surreptitiously wiped the bottom of his shoe off on the floor.

"He was my pet! I found him in my apartment four days ago and I've been feeding him and watering him and walking him and I almost had him potty trained!" Reno's lower lip began to tremble, "You owe me big time Tseng!"

"I'll find you another caterpillar." Tseng decided to ignore the comment about potty training the caterpillar for now, "Hopefully one that's not so....._squished_."

Reno glared at him, "I don't _want_ another caterpillar I want Reno Junior!"

"Reno Junior is _dead_." Tseng rolled his eyes and began walking out of the office.

Reno grabbed a sock from the floor and threw it at his head, "You owe me Tseng! you better watch my puppet show in RJ's honor!"

"Or what?" Tseng chuckled and kicked the sock back at Reno.

Reno smirked, "Watch the show in RJ's memory or you're going to have some bad things happen Tseng."

Tseng weighed the validity of Reno's threat in his mind. Reno was never one to trifle with, the man could remove socks without removing shoes in the blink of an eye and more than once Tseng had been lured into one of the red-heads somewhat dangerous pranks. He sighed dejectedly, "Where do I sit."

Reno beamed and set the caterpillar remains on his windowsill, "Sit right where he was sitting."

Tseng sat on the floor with a dull thud as Reno leaped behind the overturned desk and started messing with his puppets. He patiently sat and meditated as he tried to ignore the strange things Reno was gluing and taping to his socks. The minutes ticked by slowly and he glanced at his watch, "How long is this going to take?"

"As long as it needs to." Reno fixed his tongue between his teeth as he prepared a sock for its debut performance.

"Any guesses on how long that is?" Tseng glared at his agonizingly slow watch hands.

Reno cleared his throat and preformed poor ventriloquism to make the sock speak in a high pitched voice, "Pipe down and enjoy your punishment murderer!"

Tseng sighed and settled himself into the carpet as comfortably as he could. Several more minutes ticked by and he felt a slight twitch start in his eye, "Reno, I don't have all day."

"Hold your horses I'm almost ready!" Reno beamed and slipped his hands into socks. "The Reno sock puppet theater would like to dedicate this show to RJ, beloved pet, caterpillar, and friend."

"Hurry it along Reno." Tseng felt the slight twitch develop into a large tick.

Reno began miming and speaking through his puppets in the most random and under-thought puppet show Tseng had ever seen. He felt dumber for ever agreeing to sit through it. He felt a small sliver of drool slide down his face as Reno giggled. _Of course, it could be worse_, Tseng mused as Reno told yet another perverted and humorless joke, _at least I'm getting out of paperwork for awhile. _He didn't think squishing one stupid caterpillar was worth punishment this severe, his eye twitched helplessly, that caterpillar better have been the best friend Reno ever had. Its remains mocked Tseng from the windowsill and he wished he had stepped on it with more force. 'RJ' wasn't the last in a long list of 'pets' Reno had had squished by Elena, Rude, or Tseng. Ever since Tseng had forbidden Reno from having a pet that depended on him for living Reno had been naming and keeping bugs. It was his way of coping but Tseng was starting to get ridiculously peeved by Reno's odd hobby. However, almost every bug Reno had collected so far had been named Reno Junior and Tseng could cope with the pitter-patter of tiny bug feet better than he could the pitter-patter of anything that would actually spring from Reno's loins one day and he hoped that Reno's decision to keep bugs as pets would deter any women from allowing him to father children. As it was, Tseng was never allowing Reno to get another real pet ever again, not after what had happened to the fish. No living, breathing animal of any sort would ever unwillingly pass into Reno's doorway again if Tseng had his way.

**

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Author's Note: So random, so strange. I was having writers block when Savannah came to my rescue and started talking to me about socks. Three minutes of sock discussion later and this idea popped into my head, thanks Savannah!**

**Hopefully you thought this was as funny as I did. **

**R&R!!!**


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